Their Breakup
by CheetahLiv
Summary: Perry, we need to talk." JD/Cox. Quasi-songfic to James Blunt's "Goodbye My Lover." Ch 2 songfic to Kelly Clarkson's "I Hate Myself For Losing You." Rated for mild language and mention of slash pairing. Please review!
1. Goodbye My Lover

Disclaimer: I own nothing. If I did, JDox would totally be canon!

AN: Please review! I'm not quite sure about my Cox voice, so any feedback is greatly appreciated!

JD was packing when Perry woke. Cursing under his breath to see Perry's eyes open, he turned his back to their—no, his—bed, and continued packing his duffel bag.

"JD? What're you doing?" Perry asked sleepily, still not entirely awake and aware of what was going on around him.

Not turning around, JD muttered, "I'm so hollow, Perry."

Sitting up now, Perry scrubbed a hand across his face, wiping the sleep from his eyes. "Whaddya mean, JD?" Then, realizing exactly what his lover was doing, he asked urgently, "What's going on?"

Sigh. Turn around. Then, "Perry, we need to talk."

Those four words were no strangers to Perry's ears. After all, every woman he had ever fallen in love with had said them to him at some point. But he had never imagined that he would hear his JD say them.

JD sighed again at the look of confusion and hurt on Perry's face, and then began to explain. "I'm leaving for New York City. I got a job offer from a hospital out there. They're offering me a triple the pay and twice the benefits as Sacred Heart. My plane leaves in a few hours."

Perry shook his head, unbelieving. "Bullshit. What's this really about, JD?" _What did I do to drive you away?_

"I've kissed your lips and held your hand, shared your dreams and shared your bed. I know you well, I know your smell. I've been addicted to you. But I can't do this anymore. Goodbye my lover," JD murmured, turning away from Perry once again.

Perry was speechless. Sure, their relationship had been awkward at first, but they had both adapted. They'd been together for over a year now, and had been living together for the majority of that time. Perry had been perfectly happy for the first time in his life, and he had been pretty sure that JD had been too. Apparently he'd been mistaken.

"Why, JD? Why does it have to be goodbye? I could go with you to New York. I don't have anyone out here except for you. Let me come with you." Perry hated the way that his voice shook with emotion. Damn it all if he wasn't acting like the girl in this situation. And Newbie was supposed to be the girl in their relationship.

"Did I disappoint you, or let you down?" Perry asked desperately, begging for information from his former-protégé-turned-lover. JD tentatively sat on a corner of the bed, and his shoulders slumped before he began to speak.

"You know, when we started this mess, I saw the end, before we'd even begun. I saw you were blinded by the possibility of there being an 'us', and I knew I had won you. But there's one thing that's wrong with this scenario. Do you know what it is, Perry?" JD finally allowed some of the pain and anger he was feeling to color his tone. Seeing the curiosity in the other man's eyes, JD let out what had been bothering him all these months.

"I love you, okay? I fucking love you, and all you ever do is belittle me and call me girls' names. And sure, it's gotten better ever since we started sleeping together, but whenever I tell you I love you, you always change the subject. And all I ever wanted from you in return was confirmation that maybe, _maybe_, you weren't using me just for sex, that maybe you loved me too." Having finally confessed his feelings, JD began to shake, tears dripping from his face. Perry longed to reach out and gather JD into his arms, hold him while he cried, but he got the feeling that that would be the worst possible thing to do.

Perry opened his mouth to speak, trying desperately to find something to say that would make JD change his mind. Before he could get any words out, JD spoke again.

"Perry, you touched my heart, you touched my soul. You've changed my life and all my goals. I am a dreamer, you know that, and when I wake, you can't break my spirit—it's my dreams you take. So as I move on, remember me. Remember us and all we used to be."

JD wasn't the only one crying now, although Perry would never admit to anyone the utter anguish that filled his soul at the younger man's words. The sound of both men's despair filled the otherwise-silent room, and for a while, neither spoke. Perry's mind was whirling. He had had no idea of JD's feelings. Sure he'd known that the kid loved him, but he could never bring himself to return those three little words. Suddenly he was seized by the right words to say to get JD to change his mind and stay, and Perry spoke.

"Listen, JD, please. I know you know this, but I have emotional issues. You wanted to know why I've never said 'I love you' to you before? It's because every single woman I have ever said that to, ever, has left me. This is totally irrational, but…I feel like if I ever said those words to you, that eventually you would leave." At this, Perry laughed, the irony of the situation hitting him. "And now, because I haven't told you I love you, you're leaving." Perry lifted his head to look at the ceiling, his hands twining in his curly red hair.

After a pause, he dropped his gaze and glanced at JD to see how his admission was received. JD's shoulders had stopped shaking, for which he was grateful. At least it meant the kid was listening, even though he might still leave. Knowing he had to keep talking to try and fix this situation, he continued.

"I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile. Sometimes, I lie awake at night and watch you sleep, and think how lucky I am to have you. I'd spend a lifetime with you." JD's slumped form straightened, but he didn't turn around. Perry kept on talking, afraid to stop for fear the younger man would leave, yet afraid to continue and realize how in love (and thus, how vulnerable) he was around JD. But he ploughed on, determined not to lose the man he loved.

"And I will bare my soul in time. I know your fears and you know mine. We've had our doubts but now we're fine. And I love you, I swear that's true. I cannot live without you." The words spilled out of Perry without his control, and he was surprised to realize all of them were true. He was completely in love with JD, even though he couldn't say it the way the kid wanted to hear.

Having finally confessed his love, Perry paused, waiting for a reaction. Slowly, JD turned around, sadness in his eyes. Perry's heart jumped to his throat, anxious beyond belief for the younger man's response. He anticipated his declaration would cause JD to stay, to want to work things out between them. Instead, JD replied with words that knocked Perry off his feet.

"I'm sorry Perry. But I'm so hollow here."

JD stood, hefting his duffel bag over his shoulder. He made his way to the door, and stopping just inside the frame, he cast one last look at Perry, sitting downcast, utterly broken and alone, on the bed.

"Goodbye, my lover."

And with that, he was gone.


	2. I Hate Myself For Losing You

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Songfic again! This song is "I Hate Myself For Losing You" by Kelly Clarkson

This chapter is dedicated to Bonzodog, who inspired me to continue what was originally a oneshot. Now I think it might be complete, but we'll see...XD

Please review!

JD had been in New York City for a little over a month. He'd settled into his position as attending at St. Luke's Hospital and was learning his way around the new hospital. His mind kept replaying that final scene with Perry, and that had made him edgy and irritable the first two weeks or so. He of course hadn't heard from the older man, which was what he had been expecting. But a secret part of his heart had been hoping that maybe this would play out like it did in all of his favorite romantic comedy films—one person takes off, the other realizes how much they truly love the other, so they follow and convince their love to give the relationship a second chance. He knew this was an unrealistic expectation, but his wounded heart kept telling him that if Perry really loved him, he would have followed him to New York City, and that since he hadn't, that meant he was never truly in love with him.

He hadn't told his friends he was leaving, although he assumed that they found out from Perry. He'd gotten several dozen messages from Turk, five or so from Carla, and three from Elliot, but he never picked up his cell when they called. He told himself it was because he didn't want to be persuaded into returning to Sacred Heart. But the real reason why he never answered was because he was afraid to hear the disappointment in their tones.

The last message of Turk's that he had listened to was about Perry. "Dude, JD, Dr. Cox is totally moping around the hospital. I mean, he hasn't come in to work drunk or anything, but he's acting like he did when he lost those three transplant patients a while back…" JD deleted that message and all subsequent messages from Turk. He thought about Perry every day as it was; he didn't need Turk keeping him up-to-date on Perry's daily activities.

Perhaps it was the breakup that caused him to act the way he did. At St. Luke's, he was a different JD—people there didn't know him, had no preconceived notion of him. He was no longer the carefree, daydreaming, doe-eyed doctor. Now he was sarcastic, bitter, and all-around, well, acting like Dr. Cox used to.

He had only one friend at the hospital—no one else wanted too much to do with him because of his bad attitude, which was fine with him. He made it a point to push away anyone who got too close, for fear they would find out why he really transferred to New York. The janitor named Charlie was the only person he trusted enough to tentatively call "friend."The irony of the situation, that his only friend was a janitor, was not lost on him. But as much as he may have wanted to, he couldn't bear to let anyone else get too close, for fear of them breaking his fragile heart.

In this way, two months passed. His interns were terrified of him, the nurses talked about him behind his back, and his fellow attending, while grudgingly admitting he was a talented doctor, didn't care much for his abrasive personality.

Eventually, the phone calls from home stopped, and for some reason JD was disappointed that his old friends had given up on him. He should have been happy that he had finally and successfully cut all ties to his past; why then was he so sad?

It was hard not to think of Perry constantly, and JD found himself wishing the other man would call, just once. One night, when he was sitting in his apartment, alone and drunk, he dialed Perry's number. But when Perry had answered, "Yeah?" JD lost his drunken courage and flipped shut his cell, effectively cutting the connection. His heart ached just from the sound of Perry's voice. That night, he drank himself into a stupor and spent the night passed out on the couch.

JD thought of Perry nonstop. He wondered what the other man was doing. Had he moved on yet? Maybe gotten back together with Jordan? He wondered if Perry ever thought about him. Did he ever wonder how JD was doing on his own in the big city? Did he ever lie awake at night, thinking about that fateful morning, like JD did? Who knew?

On the morning of the three month anniversary of The Breakup, JD walked into work early. He had a full patient load, and his interns were performing at a level that was considerably less than stellar. He worked himself hard all morning and was successful in keeping away all thoughts of what day it was. No use dwelling on things in the past.

He was just settling down at a table in the corner of the cafeteria when his pager went off. Growling angrily, causing several interns sitting a few tables away to flinch in fear, he pulled the offending device off his scrubs bottoms and looked at its message. It was a page from one of his interns, Mary.

DR. DORIAN,MEET ME IN THE DOCTOR'S LOUNGE ON THE SECOND FLOOR. IT'S URGENT.

Sighing, he dumped his food in a nearby trash bin and cast angry glares at anyone who so much as looked at him askance. He grumbled under his breath the whole way to the doctor's lounge.

Mary was one of his favorite interns, although he would never admit it to her. She was already a talented doctor, and with the right teacher to guide her, she would go places. But that didn't mean that JD couldn't be pissed about being paged away from his lunch.

He pulled open the door to the lounge. "Dammit Mary, there had better be a damn good reason why you paged me or else I'll…" he trailed off when he noticed Mary was nowhere to be seen. In fact, the entire doctors' lounge was entirely empty.

"What the hell…" JD muttered, a perplexed scowl on his face.

"Turn around, JD."

That voice! JD turned around slowly, thinking his mind was playing a cruel trick on him, even though he hadn't daydreamed in months. But this was no hallucination—Perry was standing there, right in front of him.

JD was speechless, which was what Perry had been counting on. He began to speak. "JD, please listen to me. I was wrong. I hate myself for losing you." He continued, and JD was unsure of who exactly Perry was talking to, to JD or to himself. "What do you do when you look in the mirror and staring at you is why he's not here?"

JD opened his mouth to speak, but no words formed, which was fine with Perry as he continued. "I hope you're happy here, but it's killing me inside. Now I dread each day, knowing that I can't be saved from the loneliness of living without you. And, I don't know what to do, not sure that I'll pull through. I wish you knew…The morning after you left, I woke up wide awake in an empty bed, staring at an empty room. And I knew I had myself to blame for the state I was in that day. Dying didn't seem so cruel." Perry's voice cracked at the last sentence, and JD's heart ached at the sound.

Somewhat out of breath, Perry paused, searching for a reaction. When several moments of silence had passed, something in Perry's eyes dimmed. JD desperately wanted to respond to Perry's declaration, but couldn't think of any words to express his joy that Perry loved him and had traveled thousands of miles across the country to see him, to win him back. Perry loved him! Then what could he do to stop him from turning away and heading out the door like he was now?

"Perry! Wait!" JD reached out and grasped Perry's forearm. Turning him around, JD clutched the older man's shoulders and kissed him soundly. Perry froze at first, stunned, but easily slipped his arms around JD, pressing their bodies together. They fit together perfectly, even after having been separated for three months, and JD brought his hands up to twine in Perry's curls, their kiss never breaking.

Finally, JD pulled away. "God, Perry, you have no idea how much I've missed you."

"I think I do, because I've felt the same," Perry confessed. "I love you, JD."

"Love you too, Per-Bear."

Perry grinned at the annoying nickname he had grudgingly allowed JD to bestow upon him. He never thought he'd miss that irritating moniker, but in the three months that JD had been gone, he'd missed hearing "Per-Bear!" echo through the halls of Sacred Heart. Slinging his arm around JD's shoulders and steering them out the door of the lounge, he said, "Seems like you're quite the ball-buster around here, eh Shirley? I mean, that was a pretty decent start to an angry rant there when you first walked in the door."

A wide grin split JD's face for the first time in three months as they exited the lounge. "Well, _Per-Bear_, I did learn from the best angry ranter in Sacred Heart…"

In the now-deserted lounge, Mary crept out from her hiding place in the corner where she'd witnessed the whole exchange between the two doctors. When the red-haired man had asked at the front desk for a Dr. Dorian, she'd piped up that he was her attending. He'd asked her to page him so he could speak with him in private, and she had come up with the idea that they rendezvous in the doctors' lounge. The man had seemed pleased with this idea, and when they got to the lounge, he had used an intimidating voice to get everyone to clear out. Dr. Dorian's mannerisms were so similar to those of this man that she was curious. When the man had settled in to a chair by the door, she made as if to leave by the back door, and instead had hidden herself to watch the exchange.

Now, after it was all over, Mary exited the lounge and headed towards the nurses' station to spread word of what she'd seen. She was so excited that Dr. Dorian had finally found happiness that she couldn't wait to tell everyone else at the hospital.

She knew Dr. Dorian wouldn't mind. After all, it looked like he'd be heading back to his old hospital soon enough.


End file.
